return to softness 🌸

reflections from my first women's retreat + a poem reading!

I just finished the most decadent post-Full Moon class with Emmie (of

The Deep Rest Salon

), and it reminded me of this post I’ve yet to write —

Reflections on my first women’s outdoor retreat. 🌸

Since coming home and falling back into the whirlwind of texts, posts, and social obligations — I’d forgotten the level of pure nervous system regulation that could only exist in the company of stillness and trees.

Even though I was surrounded by 11 different women, most of whom I’d never met before, I was at peace . . . because I felt safe, nestled in the cocoon of Mother Nature. 🌳 Something I hadn’t experienced since I was a kid.

My first experience being in community in nature were the Kiwanis Youth Camps I would attend as a teenager. From 13—19 years old, every December would mean one thing: KYC. We’d pack our duffle bags, pile onto a bus, and take a boisterous 2-hour drive to whatever recreational center would have us that year. For 4 days and 3 nights, we would sleep in dormitories, challenge our limits with extreme nature sports, and cry over Appreciation Circles and Sugar Cubes (written love notes) over a campfire at night. It was perfect, each camp filled with all the freedom and adventure my Sag Moon could never find in the city.

I hadn’t been back to nature like this since I graduated from KYC 10 years ago.

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The moment I stepped out of the car, after the long, bumpy 1.5 hour drive — I was speechless. Trees, as far as the eye could see. We were nestled up a little hill, a cozy little chalet with tiny lumpy mattress — stacked side-by-side, six to a room — and a massive alfresco platform for our daily yoga. I dropped my bags and stepped outside. The view took my breath away.

There was no wifi connection, but at the risk of sounding cheesy, I’d never felt more connected in my life.

Doing the deep rest class prompted me to write this, because it was a reminder that the level of connection and peace I’d felt there, living outdoors for 24 hours in nature, is accessible to me in my every day life. I just need to slow down — disconnect — and focus on my breath.

So difficult to do in practice, but SO glorious to bask in afterward. ☁️

When we were in Nature, time slowed to an ants’ crawl. With no Internet, the only “entertainment” we had was the world around us. I took glorious, ice-cold outdoor baths — a total of four of them in 24 hours! Being able to see the sky while water shot out of a pipe . . . I’ll never quite forget it. Sitting on the platform, staring out at the vast expanse of greenery all around me after a particularly strenuous yoga sesh . . . it felt like a reward of the best kind. I felt so alive. So eager to meditate, to journal and go within. I wanted to be as close to Her as possible. I wanted to stay out all night.

And I did. When nighttime rolled around and our women’s circle came to a close, I pulled my lumpy mattress outside into the quiet dark. The platform was breezy, cold — a far cry from the stuffy chaos of the rooms. Other women quickly followed suit. Together, we spent the night camping outdoors: with scratchy blankets to ward off the nighttime chill. I found it hard to fall sleep, that night. But I was still filled with gratitude — to be able to experience, even as an adult, a night of sleeping under the stars. 🌌

It’s been a week since I had this experience, and I’ve been trying to put it into words. Funnily enough, it is a phrase Chelsie Diane (@poemsandpeonies) said in her Full Moon class yesterday that finally helped me contextualize it (and I’m paraphrasing, of course!) —

“We’re so used to the male gaze in a patriarchal society. It’s predatory. It makes us on edge. But when we’re with women, we can be ourselves. I can wear a tank top and have my flab rolls out and eat chips and you wouldn’t judge me. I can be myself. Through the female gaze, I can DISCOVER myself.”

I felt this so viscerally at the retreat. Being with 11 other women — even though we were all strangers — felt oddly freeing. I felt like I could be . . . myself. Taking non-stop showers. Sleeping outdoors. Not having a stitch of make-up on. Meditating, stretching, journaling as much as I’d like. Having full permission to lean into my softness, my femininity. Having the space to explore it.

It made me reflect on how I don’t really have many feminine role models in my life. All my life, I’ve always felt cut off from my femininity. I was raised by a Triple Virgo single mother — she was exacting, precise, and left no room for softness. For the floaty, fluid kind of exploration my Pisces Sun craved. In that opposition was a void — a void of feminine love, of honoring the inner seasons within, and giving myself a container to flow and grow and explore. 🌱

Watch the FULL video I made about my experience here

I’m deeply grateful I have the means to support my own journey, now. From building a conscious community via Astrology, to making time for Deep Rest classes, to joining women’s retreats like this — it is the most important work I could ever do:

Role modeling the way for other women to return to their softness, too.

Thank you for being here, friends. 🌸

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I decided to end this post with another reading I did of Brooke Solis’s poems, very aptly titled “On Softness” —

brooke solis

brooke solis on Instagram: “on softness.”

May 29, 2023

Enjoy. And may your days be filled with the same wondrous, gentle joy.

Love,

Gwen

—

The Asian Astrologer 🪐