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I sit in the car next to my father, whom I only see three or four times a year.
โHowโve things been for you?โ he asks, a rare show of care.
โGood,โ I say, and I am surprised to find that I mean it.
Things are good, I want to tell him.
Iโm having fun and playing each day. Iโm dancing. Iโm going for my first international swing festival in less than 10 days.
Iโm the happiest, wildest, most carefree Iโve ever been.
Is that ok to say? Am I jinxing myself? Will all the magic just fade away?
โจ
In case you missed the memo, Iโm Asian.
I grew up in a culture deeply entrenched in productivity and capitalism. My Capricorn rising father never lets me forget that. He shook his head when he found out Iโd dropped out of college to found an empathy training business.
Last year, I finally came out of the closet to him about becoming an astrologer โ my second ever career pivot. Out of the frying pan into the fire.
My father only ever wanted me to be financially stable. Wealthy, even.
But how do I tell him I see wealth in a completely different way?
To me, a rich life is a fun life.
And Iโve had an abundance of that lately. ๐
On the Leo New Moon, I attended a live concert โ for free. Iโd gotten tickets because I spontaneously crashed a live jazz show with my dance partner, and we broke out into dance right there and then. One of the Korean ladies in the audience loved it so much she insisted we attend her daughterโs concert, an up-and-coming indie singer called Summer Soul, as her guests.
And she kept her word โ oh boy, did she keep her word. On the day of, we were escorted up up up to the private backstage, where friends and family were chilling. Iโd never experienced a concert this way before, ensconced in a balcony high above the crowd.
Summer was ethereal up close, skin like porcelain, glowing under the stage lights. โThank you for coming,โ she smiled in halting English. I felt like holding her hands. I felt like spinning around the balcony, which I did, eventually; my dance partner twirling me around, our sneakers catching on the ratty carpet. Summer filmed us and uploaded it to her IG stories for her 20k followers. I didnโt mind one bit.
It feels dirty to admit how much Iโm enjoying this.
I feel like I should want to work more, hustler harder, do all the things to make my astrology business โsucceedโ โ but I donโt feel like doing any of it.
For the first time in maybe 10 years, I feel like prioritizing fun instead.
Spontaneous concerts. Midnight jams. Dancing every night. French toast on the stovetop. Sleepover parties. Birthday surprises.
Itโs like Iโm a kid again, and all I want to do is play.
To be fair, I never really got to be a kid.
I was hustling from the moment I dropped out of college at 21. I started businesses, attended conferences, did sales. I never knew life without some epic form of responsibility resting on my shoulders. No one put it there. (I have Saturn conjunct my Sun, after all.)
I chose to carry it. It gave my life meaning.
These days, different things give my life meaning.
Fun. Friends. Community. Adventure.
I worry Iโm losing my edge. My spark. The passion and ambition that has gotten me this far.
But it also feels strangely . . . right.
Comments are open on this post. Iโd love to hear your experiences.
I was struck by this line in
โs recent (magnificent!) post:You know whatโs not safe? Allowing ourselves to have great day after great day, being persistent and being the brightest light. ๐ฅ
It feels unsafe to shine so bright in my play and light.
It feels unsafe to have THIS many great days in a row.
I watch my bank account slowly dwindle and I wonder: is it even possible to play for a living? My signature offering is literally called โCosmic PLAYtimeโ, for peteโs sake. Iโve been so filled with shame for wanting to have a good time that I forget it is my birthright to do so.
Life isnโt just hustle and struggle and counting down the hours till you can go play. Life is one big playground.
I am learning to honor my internal ebbs and flows. I am learning to celebrate the magic within. I am learning itโs OK to have as many great days in a row โ balance will come when itโs needed.
For now, perhaps itโs time to fully lean into what Iโve denied myself all these years: a true, restful break from the hustle.
Enjoying this so far? Give the โก a tap to help more people discover it!
A few days ago, I gifted my dear friend
a birthday reading.After our reading ended, I miraculously received my first booking of August โ but it was for the end of the month.
โThatโs strange,โ I thought. โI have so many other empty dates free!โ
Two hours later, I get a missed call from my dance friend Mariah.
โGIRLLLLL,โ she gushed. โHow would you like to go to Swing Era FOR FREE!!!โ
Swing Era is one of the biggest swing dance festivals in the region. Nearly 30 people are going from my community alone. Itโs all everyone has been talking about for the past few months. As a newbie dancer, this felt far out of reach for many reasons โ I worried I didnโt have the stamina, the money, the ability to travel and dance and take care of myself the way I needed to.
But here was a gift, straight from the Universe.
A free ticket, lovingly gifted by a fellow dancer who decided not to go.
Free accommodation, since I would be bunking with Mariah.
All I needed was a plane ticket โ and a leap of faith.
I cried saying yes to this.
Not just because it was so wild and generous and magical (which it 100% is).
But because it felt like the greatest permission slipโฆ to lean fully into the play.
Into the wild magic that is percolating here.
Dance is alchemy, I realize. I am creating something whenever I move my body in tandem with anotherโs. We are making art together. Magic.
This will be the greatest magical gathering there is.
Instead of beating myself up over archaic expectations of productivity, can I learn to see this trip as an investment into my joy & body?
Can I learn to take the white space and late nights and use it to fuel me, not shame me?
Can I lean so fully into my laughter, my play, my pleasure, my joy, that it becomes as deeply a part of my identity as my passion, my ambition, my purpose, my work?
All are important. All are valuable. All are me.
Thank you for reading.
See you in Bangkok!
How you can support me:
๐ Buy me a coffee to help support my travels to Swing Era Thailand. Iโm loving all your lil love notes here โ it means the world.
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I love you so much,
Gwen
Love this share so much Gwen! Itโs wild how deeply entrenched โanti-fun, hyper-workโ is in our world that prioritizing fun feels dirty (that title made me chuckle with intrigue!). So proud and happy that youโre going against the grain of everything youโve known to follow the flow of what feels most right, right now. It sounds like important โworkโ, a step in your journey towards redefining and reexperiencing what abundance means. I intuitively feel like itโs a beautiful chapter of life being like โCan you REALLY have fun Gwen, even if not everything is working how you thought it would?โ And your answer is yes so lifeโs answer will continue being yes too ๐
Iโd love to hear from you! How do you balance between โhustleโ and โplayโ? Do you feel shame or guilt when you have too much fun? _Are you also Asian / a minority?_ ๐๐ซถ๐ป๐คธโโ๏ธ It feels so scary to write this post and own my truth. Iโd love to hear yours so I donโt feel so alone!