let things end, beautifully ꩜

we broke up ⌇ lessons from the Libra solar eclipse portal - part one

The day after I ended my 8 year relationship, I went on my first spiritual women's retreat.

The drive up was only an hour, passing through beautiful, winding mountain roads. I am notoriously afraid of driving long distance, but this time, knowing I was alone — it fortified me. There was a sense of, “I don’t have a choice now. I only have myself to rely on.” The thought is both heady and terrifying.

As I pulled up to the villa’s gates, an overwhelming wave of peace washed over me. The only way I can describe it is it felt like getting wrapped in a hug. Little did I know this was already the powerful energy work at play, a forcefield of love to cocoon me and the women on this retreat.

Tears streamed down my face as I made my way up the driveway.

Welcome, the villa seemed to be whispering. Welcome home.

I’ve written about this here, here, and here, on this Substack, so this may not be news to some loyal readers. But this time, it’s true.

I am separating from Shawn, my beloved partner of 8 years.

We have built so much together. A business. A home. A life.

Although we were not married in the traditional sense, I’ve always thought of him as my husband. We were both hopelessly, devotedly committed to each other. We’ve spent our entire 20s together. I am both devastated, and also relieved.

The reason we’re breaking up is not from lack of love.

It’s from an overabundance of it. An investment in all the wrong places.

The core misalignment in our relationship is that I saw Shawn not as my partner, but as my caretaker. From the very start, he would manage everything on both our behalves — meals, finances, business. I happily remained blissfully ignorant. I didn't want to learn, but I was besieged with guilt every time I noticed he was swamped or overwhelmed.

I grew up with an immense amount of privilege. I was used to people taking care of these things for me. So, I let him.

This dynamic festered, until I could no longer bear the sight of him.

I spent this entire year running away. Losing myself in dance and friends and other distractions. All the while, I knew we would arrive at breakpoint. We’d already started sleeping separately from the December before, after I returned from Bali. It was only a matter of time.

The truth is that being with Shawn was my comfort zone. I never had to learn the intricacies of how to build a life. How to take care of myself. How to ‘adult’.

He’d always lovingly, silently shielded me from all the consequences in life.

But deep in my soul, I wanted to grow up.

I wanted so badly to learn these things for myself. To take full control of my own life. To not have to rely on “a man” for anything.

This is the wound of my mother, and the women that came before her. My mom married my dad for the money and safety he gave her. When he went bankrupt, she took me and my sister, and left.

I know I don’t want to repeat her karma. I don’t want to marry a man for the security he gives me. I want to marry him because I love him, unconditionally.

And the dynamic I had with Shawn made me unsure if the latter was true.

So, I had to leave.

As much as it breaks both our hearts, I have to flee the nest.

To see what I am truly made of.

Shawn, post-separation ritual ꩜

“Welcome home, ladies,” Beatrice said. She is the main shaman and gatherer of this space. I could feel us enveloped in the most warm, nurturing energy. Tears streamed continuously down my eyes. Home. Home.

“For the next 3 days, we are going to explore our connection to our inner feminine. Our divine connection to our womb, our intuition, our Source.”

I learned so much in these 3 days. How to open my heart. How to allow myself to be seen, and held, in all my ugly.

In the introduction circle, I allowed my heart to break.

“I’m here in deep grief,” I said, tears already flowing. “I just ended my 8 year relationship last night. I am here to find myself again. To feel strong enough on my own.”

Over the next 3 days, I did just that. ♥️

This retreat is not like the others. It’s not all good vibes and mandala circles. It was work — good, honest shadow work. We excavated our shit. Slowly, but surely, I watched the superwomen around me melt. Softening into their truest essence. Less “what? how? where?” from the Ego, and more deep trust from the Soul. We deepened our intuition. We shared. We laughed. We healed.

♡

One exercise that really stands out to me was The Spiral. We were asked to write down every emotionally painful experience we’d ever had, and spot the patterns between them. 🌀 As I wrote mine down along the spiral, I started seeing a theme: petty break-ups. Friend betrayals. Family estrangements. Guys ghosting me. Getting hung up over what other people had ‘done’ to me. Making them mean something about me. That I was rotten, unworthy. That I had something to prove.

I’ve spent my entire life giving my power away.

Especially in my most intimate relationships.

That’s why I was struggling in my relationship with Shawn. I’d unwittingly made him the center of my life, and then placed the blame squarely on his shoulders. “Why am I so unhappy? Why have I lost my spark? Why do I not feel the drive to do anything?”

It wasn’t about Shawn. It was about me.

I am so used to using other people to get my own needs met. The shadow of Libra. But it’s a disempowering way to live.

I need to learn how to meet my OWN needs.

How to be whole on my own.

That is the only way I can be an equal in relationship. The only way I can be a good partner. I’ve gotten relationships all wrong.

They aren’t a place to go to take. They’re a place you go to give.

But first, I need to learn how to give to myself.

This is Part 1 of this post. Subscribe for Part 2 — it contains vivid descriptions of the rituals I experienced during the retreat, so they are only available to paid readers. Thank you for seeing my heart ♥️