passion is bad for balance ❤️🔥
on "new year resolutions" ⌇ Aries full moon horoscopes
Writing this Substack has felt like a chore for a while now and I realize I have no one to blame for that but myself. This is a recurring theme for the Aries Full Moon today – how much have we externalized that should be internalized, so we can actually OWN IT and CHANGE IT?
I was thinking back to March 21 this year, the day of the Aries New Moon. I was filming cringey reels and packing my bags for a spontaneous staycation with my best friend. We rented an Airbnb with a makeshift treehouse-loft, and spent most of our time huddled up above, scrawling in our journals and setting intentions. I remember writing PASSION ❤️🔥 in big, bold, fiery red words. Passion, my intention for this astrological year ahead. My “New Year” resolution.
Fast forward six months, and we are now standing in the altar of the Full Moon. Can you feel it? It’s hot, sweltering, like that big gust of air when you first pull open the sauna door. It’s not meant to be comfortable. Heat is an initiation, discomfort is a force to wake you up to where you’ve fallen asleep in your own life. (Big picture miniscopes down below, scroll down ⇣ 💋)
Libra season is about a lot of things — relationships, harmony, art, beauty, polarity — but the one thing that keeps coming up for me is BALANCE. ⚖️ Which, ironically for me, seems to be antithetical to PASSION. I have a 5th house stellium ruled by Scorpio. I don’t half-ass anything when it comes to what I’m passionate about. Take astrology for example — I started astrology school this time last year. Now, I’m running a full-time practice. I’ve had a lot of help and I acknowledge my privilege but the timeline is also whack. It’s almost as though I’ve been running full tilt toward a direction with no real destination, and now one year later I’m looking around me and thinking, “Is this all there is to it, then? Just endless horoscopes and cosmic forecasts and Substacks and readings and…?”
It hurts to think like this, because I know deep in my belly that Astrology is what I am meant to give my life to, at least for this season, but I didn’t know how to break out of it. The ennui. The guilt. And then Libra season rolled around and I realized, ohhhhhh — it’s not that I needed to give up my passion. I needed to ADD to it.
I needed to shine the spotlight on ME again. At least for some parts of it.
Confession: I am desperately bad at self-care. Especially when I’m caught up in the throes of passion. And not even the fun kind! Take right now — I’m standing here at my standing desk banging this out at 1:15 AM, on the heels of a fun night out with my family, and I’m dirty and unshowered and my face is oily but I just needed to get all the words out, because it’s the day of the Full Moon!!!1! And I realize now as I’m writing this there is more to it than just “passion”; there’s also a misguided sense of urgency and obligation that I can’t even begin to unpack now. But it all has its roots in passion, which… somehow is synonymous with crucifixion and my whole creative life makes sense now —
I feel like a martyr at times for my art. I am a words person and ever since I was young I thought I had to suffer in order to get them out. Ever since I had my little Psychobabble blog where I would write when I was sad then leave empty and alone when I was happy. Maybe it’s because I could access my vulnerability more easily when I was on a low; my writing felt more resonant, more real. But it comes at a cost — sometimes too heavy of one. And I’m not sure if I’m willing to pay it anymore.
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I’m ready to grow. To go to the next level. To become bigger than I ever thought possible. And somehow, a part of me knows that I can’t do that if I’m giving my all to my work, my art, my passion and leaving nothing for myself at the end of the day.
I want to build a life where I can give the best to me to all the parts of my life that mean something to me. My art, my career, my clients and community, yes — but also my partner. My friends. My hobbies. My sadhanas. My hygiene. Myself. My freaking self. Tears are flowing down my cheeks as I write this. I don’t want to subsist on just crumbs anymore, telling myself I should feel happy and proud that I’ve made it this far, that I’ve grown this fast. What’s the point of growth if you’re too tired and burnt-out to even enjoy it? I want to be present for this journey. I want to live my life the way I tell my clients to — reverently, with poise, and purpose. With grace. Where I have time to meander through the trees and watch the stream trickle as morning sunshine filters through the leaves. Where I have time to read, and nap, and grab a coffee with friends, and lend a listening ear, and write for fun, and just enjoy the life I’ve built from the choices I’ve made.
My passion means so much to me. But it doesn’t have to be my everything anymore. It doesn’t need to be the only thing I prioritize. I won’t lose it if I put it aside at times. I won’t lose it if I choose balance. In fact, I believe it will come back stronger. 💋
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The Full Moon comes roaring down the highway at 100km/hr, lighting up the skies at 6° Aries. It is asking us to come back to our sovereignty, our self, our internal sense of motivation and direction. Sitting opposite Sun in Libra, the polarity of Aries-Libra is highlighted. How can we balance our own needs, while taking into account the commitments and responsibilities we have towards others?